v important note to self 11/14/25

“What am I not saying that needs be be said?” - Jerry Colonna, Reboot

I took the day off to read Jerry Colonna’s Reboot, and I finally understand what happened. I’ve been contesting conclusions made about me in 2021–2023 using my present self—a version of me that simply did not exist back then. Everyone around me was responding to the state I was in: dysregulated, overwhelmed, identity-fused, and operating far beyond my bandwidth.

Those firm boundaries, however painful and clumsy, forced the version of me that couldn’t survive the next chapter to fall away. And after spending the last 14 days in 5–8 rooms with F500 outside counsel, in-house counsel/GCs, self-regulatory leadership, and federal regulators—listening to unguarded conversations, detailed scenario handling, risk-triage protocols, and the palpable behavioral cues behind them—I can see clearly that the old me would have been “lawyer-gated” (referenced in Brain Nude 81 linked below) in minutes.

The person I am today could never create the conditions that led to that rupture.

There is nothing to retaliate against and a lot to be grateful for.

Like the people who catalyzed the end of a version of me that had reached its limit.

Kaeya